the elysian theory

Sick cycle

2006-10-15T03:23:00.000-07:00

And so time has passed as i have left it, new chapters written on untouched pages. Somehow i feel this sick cycle carousel is never ending. i thought i was ready for this to begin. But as soon as i've started the journey again, rejuvinated, somehow the old injuries that have healed as it threatens to split open, pouring out what i'd call regretful days, days that i thought i'd put so far away behind me. These are my thoughts and this is how i feel.
That the past year of my life i have answered to no one but myself. I've been so far off the edge its hard climbing back onboard the ship, and this ship is so fast that if i let go, i'll be lost in the wakes left by its roaring engines, i will be swallowed into the open, and it will leave without me. The demands that love makes.

goodbye to the year

2006-01-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Finally the year has passed, and i've when i finally welcomed the new year of 2006, i was embraced by a cricket ball right smack into the side of my head. So happens that i was watching Brandon play soccer at the poly, innocently reading my hotstuff magazine and drooling over the cars, when a cricket ball from a far off group of indian cricketeers flew and bounced off a fence and then a wall, right behind me and hit my left temporal bone. Yes happy new year to you too. cricket faggots. I'd like to throw a brick at you and see if you'd like that. And i'd feel so sorry for you that the word "accident" doesn't exist in my dictionary. Not when indians are involved. =P So i'm in this daze.. "Light me a cigaretto". "sorry baby you can't smoke here..its a school remember?" thanks. For that, the indians will get sued. hah.

Last attempt at romanticism

2005-12-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

i tried to make us closer, it ended up in us drifting apart. I say i still love you, you question me why. i hate flowers, i hate chocolates, i hate everything nice, now i hate rings, everything that symbolizes love. i've slowly destroyed that part of me. it was the only part of me i was good at. it was the only part of me that i loved most. You say i don't deserve it after what i did to you. So now you want me to love u effortlessly...just sit here and shake my legs and run to meet you whenever u call for me.. I would like one thing for christmas now, the season of love and giving. i'd like for you to call me the grinch.

Eventual desires have to come to an end

2005-12-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've been back in sg for almost 2 weeks now. My dog has chosen to make his grand exit so conveniently when i'm around. Its devastating when life has to come to an end, but well i guess...we all have our expiry dates written on us in invisible ink. I have this stinking attitude that i wish to change: make to emotional attachment and death will not matter. its fucking lame i know but there's nothing i can do about it, ever since my hamster died. i cried for fucking days and eventually got over it. and vowed to never let that happen again. I feel like a icey cold hearted bitch. maybe i have become the dreaded snow queen. Is there anyone or thing out there that can make me feel warm again?

I need a supernova.

R.I.P

2005-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Dearly beloved, i guess you must be on ur ascent to heaven, because they say, all dogs do...well don't they? Still i feel your prescence here. Sometimes i can hear you. i know your still lingering. like i feel your still in the hallway sleeping under the cool wind blowing from the ceiling fan. Your usual hang out spot. I miss you, but its not the attachment i miss, i was never attached to you, because you wouldn't attach yourself to me, in case, it was better for me, it didn't cut that deep. your suffereng had to end indeed. You had a good life didn't you? certainly more blessed then mine. Do you know dad made a special altar for you? with fresh flowers. Gosh i can still hear you breathing outside my door. Maybe you think i just didn't give a damn when you were around. I did. I couldn't show it enough. I just found you too disgusting and i'm sorry. remember all the bones i bought u for each birthday? enough to create a human skeleton. see? i made up for it. May you rest in peace my dearest canine friend. you will definitely not be forgotten.

the welcoming

2005-11-26T01:30:00.000-08:00

Its strange how u want to go home so badly, but when u eventually reach your destination you feel somewhat displaced, i feel i don't belong on either sides of the line. Everything has losts its familiarity, the places i have found so much life in has turned into distaste and at times i feel like maybe i should head back, to where it feels familiar..to where i dislike, but have built my own comfort zone. What does this prove? Maybe i cannot adjust myself to situations as quickly as i should.

It was great, the scene at the airport, the door to the arrival hall where we were re-united once again. He was just as i had left him..Untouched. and i felt so sorry that i put myself through all those mistakes..but i made it back..and i believe i can make amends. it just takes a little bit of time. patience, jess.

i'm coming home for christmas

2005-11-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

i hate the way that circumstances have deterred me from being myself lately. But i love the way i can always somehow, find myself amidst the ruin once again.isn't life too short to be wondering about what it really is all about?

Yes i love my life as it is right now. i am satisfied. And no one can question that feeling of satisfaction. i did my best. and even if it doesn't meet the demads of what is being demanded of me, i know for a fact. that i, miss screw-me-cos-ruined-my-life, have just about done what was in my ability. i have wonderful friends that are just like myself, the most wonderful boyfriend anyone could ever ask for, and my whole array of $2 machine toys to keep me alive.
i'm excited, so full of excitement i can hardly breathe (grabs inhaler and takes a puff) that i can finally come home, finally, finally. its felt like i've been away for too long. I miss my friends. I miss my folks, and the one i especially miss, my sweetheart mr orlando bloom lookalike.

just one more week to go.

My first paper

2005-11-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

When i come home later i am going to BURN all the fuckin biology books....... fuck bio fuck bio fuck biO!!!

moonlight playlist

2005-11-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

i love my soldier, he is the best. This monday is the final exams, i haven't studied, i only have been these couple of days...i am hoping yes i am keeping my fingers crossed behind my back, that i can pull through this ordeal.

On australian idol today, the stars went over to the Children's hospital to visit the kids. This one girl i saw was really in a bad state, was bandaged up from head to toe, leaving her eyes out and a tuft of hair sticking out of her head, she moved like a robot, so thin and frail, like if u hugged her she would break, a victim of a fire accident, and it is sad indeed to know, things like these are real... it reminds me of the time i visited the orphanage. when i was very young, but i was too young then to offer any comfort, i was even too afraid to talk to anyone. And that's why i respect u so much father, u should be a called a saint, for the hundred's of people you have helped make lives better.

The Graduation

2005-10-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

Its amazing how quickly the year has come and gone, this was the moment that i had been waiting for, the moment i graduated from college..
it was quite a dashing event.. the ceremony was long and dragged for 2 hours. i got all fidgety and couldn't wait until we finished the whole boring process where people were constantly staring at you. i personally felt like a madagascan animal on parade. You know how badly i wanted to trip?
We took a ride in our limousine of the day. it was black, to suit our attires. coincidentally most of us looked like seductive vampires. Now lets toast to a new life, moving on from fuckin murdoch college which i will..can't believe i'm saying this, miss. and then we took some pictures at kingspark..it overlooks the city, though i don't know why reena and della would go hug a tree. lucky tree, but girls, there are abundant of guys to go hugging, why trees?!

The hyatt looked grand, the lobby was bursting with people in an array of ball gowns of different assortments. Somehow i felt like i didn't want to be there..that i'd rather be at someplace else. Maybe it was the fact that i would be sitting next to someone i practially despised..who was just lucky to be born with a bit of observance. And i just sat there gazing with fluttering eyelids with a shy smile, thinking, drink up, sweetie, ur goin down, with our originally made cocktail of barbituarates (actually laxatives) i'm sure ur gonna be blowing ur bowels out at the hyatt purdy soon. the dinner was fake, the person who sat next to me was fake, the ball gowns, the makeup, the smiles, it wasn't real, and it didn't FEEL real, so i went home, tired and uninspired, he hugged me and said "have a good life, it was nice knowing you".

2005-10-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

We were sitting down and we were greeted by something unexpected. a group was singing, and this soft looking man came up to us with warm eyes, introduced himself, and talked to us about...God. just the thing i was thinking about. "he;s looking for you, jessica.." yes i know. and i'm sorry i haven't been in touch with him. sometimes we are just too busy with our lives to even take a second to thank God for everything. We take him for granted. and he still understands.. "the holy spirit can enter ur soul today.." no not today, i'm not ready to embrace it. know the feeling of being born again? yes i do. its a splendid feeling. i love it. but i can't cherish it. i let it slip through my fingers, i sin again, and again, and i confess my sins, but recently i have had nothing to confess, just that i haven't really knelt down and prayed to the heavens.

holding it up

2005-10-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

i started the day with getting onboard the bus, and walking to the back, everyone was staring at me, ok..keep it cool. the bus didn't move an inch, i look at the driver's rear view mirror, he was staring at me, his expression pissed off. i pulled my earphones off, shoved the blasting music into my pockets and walked over. "you can't just walk into a bus without paying", "i thought this bus was free?" the driver just huffs in response..its amazing how whites treat asians. somehow i think if i was white i would have gotten a better response. ok. "sorry, my bad." poor guy had been yelling for ages. and i couldn't seem to hear him. its so nice to block out the sounds that you don't want to hear, because most of the time, nothing nice goes through your ears. its nothing pleasant. And yet its something i have to force myself to laugh off. Everyday is like a constant battle to survive. The morning ritual is putting on my armor for the battle that awaits. And the eyes of the enemy are watching from the sidelines, planning the attack, in hopes of bringing the warrior down.

its just pretense, and more pretense, i could get award for just pretending. Pretending to be stronger than i really am, pretending to be someone i'm not. I have no other choice, its what they made me into. its a fucked up world and all i want to do is be myself..

asleep at the wheel

2005-10-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

aku mennungunmu, mati depan aku - peterpan

i see him.. and i feel nothing. so what was it that i felt in the first place? i was confused and not myself..like that is a fuckin excuse. :P

happiness has found its place in my heart, funny how i laugh now and think back, hey i haven't laughed like this in the past six months. and the more i think about it, i am probably (besides the stress factors) more happy now then i ever was, since brandon has loved me like how i wanted him to, and someone else has made me see that it is brandon who loves me madly. i know. i'm stupid. people are. most of the time.

so what is love actually?

from burn to bright

2005-10-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

stepping into deeper waters, leaving the shallow end. forest gump once said that "life's like a box of chocolates. you never know what your gonna get". But sometimes you wish you could know, or even a have the tiniest of clues of what the future has in store for u. its indefinite. it will remain a mystery waiting to be uncovered. maybe time will reveal my purpose. my plans have been changed to suit the both of us. this sacrifice better be worth the sacrifice..beyond the words of love and its significance. i'm loving this..the distance, the space that you fill in with imagination of the ropes you could use to pull islands across oceans closer to each other that they connect but not collide. i'm asleep with the knowledge that yeah..i'm getting there...no one said the journey was not gonna be this hard.

2005-10-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

do not ever drink 2 redbulls in one day. i have an exam tomorrow and i don't even feel a wink sleepy. after the 2nd and a half glass of redbull, my hands start to shake and i feel so hyper like a hyped up bunny, let me at em! grr,.

eraser

2005-09-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

Trying to erase the traces that you left, wiping away your footsteps, whitewashing my walls that you once adorned with your imprints, scratching out the paths you left in my heart, making room, for someone else to take your place. someone that was irreplaceable. someone i love.

me the dictator

2005-09-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

Now Listening: Ku Katakan Dengan Indah - Peter Pan

Woke up this morning with the thought : damn...the holidays are in 2 days time! no way...my holidays will start this very day.! Yeah i hate the way i dictate my life. Dictators are never good people, and if i was not a dictator, then my life would be better. ok princess. I've been on the constant eating mode..i keep eating and i never seem to get full..i know i'm growing to be twice the size of my boyfriend back home.. something's wrong. mm!! let me recall..when was the last time i had sex? i'm growing cobwebs. My signus infection is fading away, damn i'm craving for a cigarette. i'm gonna go get some djarom later. DJAROM?!?! can't believe i just said that. i am utterly disgusting. :P

cold cold stares

2005-09-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how u can love someone so much, so much that when u look at them you see an angel standing right in front of you. And now the warm eyes have been replaced with icey bitterness. you hate me. but i don't deserve it;..

well excuse me. guess i mistaken you for someone else. somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself. and these foolish games are tearing me apart.

every sight of you stops my heart in its beat, no i won't let you bring me down. Okay actor, your show is over, i hope i was a good audience, but the curtain is down, you'll always be remembered but its your time to exit.

til death do us part

2005-09-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Til i'm in your arms again, sleep sweet, and keep in mind that your in my heart, your in my life, and i feel ulimately complete..and when december comes i wanna be yours forever, cos i'm convinced, your right, no one can love me like you can...

To those who have lost loved ones in the Katrina catastrophe, my heart goes out to all of you. I know what its like to have everything one day, and for it to be taken away from you just like that. In a split second everything is gone, your life flashes before you...if you've lost a love, i have as well. Its not the same circumstance but trust me, the damage done to your soul and the scars left will still be embedded for life. God Bless.

2 weeks left until my doomsday..now i'm in preparation. i know its too late. but time still allows me to make a little bit of amends. u can't rise if u don't fall. now i'm climbing back up once again. on this once sorrowful ladder, now i feel like floating up in heaven.

i miss you

2005-09-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

i see you wherever i go...and you know, you know i love you baby..i can't love anyone else.

the days seem shorter

2005-09-13T23:03:00.001-07:00

Listening to: What if - Coldplay

It was a simple tragedy.

Most days, these days, have been so perfectly amazing. My veins are filled with this drug called euphoria. It is definitely addictive. And i like it. Its a drug that makes you laugh. The magical formula would be Reena+della+shamin+brandon. you inhale it. and soon u feel like your floating into space, away from all of harsh reality, away from those you hate, remembering those you love. but fuck everything else. it doesn't matter anymore. if i had it physical form, i'd give it to you, and you can join me, if you'd like to.

To you know who you are if you are reading this, i don't know what i did to deserve you treating me like this. if i have, then i'm sorry. If you would be sorry to, this could be a friendship. But i feel so used, and you have too much of pride in you.

and to My darling: i can imagine you driving ur jeep around one of the most beautiful beaches on the planet. i wish i could be by your side lookin at the sunsets of kosamui. <3

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life?

2005-09-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

the time that did us good

2005-09-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Tired but satisfied

I'm amazed at my willpower. Willpower is something i thought i never possessed. yes i do have 10% of that willpower, and its a start.

Who does this heart belong to. Is it mine? Or is it meant to be given. Finders keepers...and i know u won't give mine away. You never did.I hope you enjoy your trip down to Kosamui. I wish i could go to. Maybe one day...and already, i miss the sound of your voice. Yeah maybe we needed this whole time apart to become what we always wanted each other to be. You. more understanding, and me, more grown up. We are steering our ship into the sunset of happiness, lead the way, captain.

2005-09-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'm in cold covered skin. i'm folded and unfolded, unfolding i am, too many times, i'm blind, i need to find the place where i can call mine, pull me out from inside. i am ready...i am ready...i am fine.

i'm awake now

2005-09-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

If i could put right what i'd wrong.

only the devil offers such sweet delights...for behind everything pure is ultimate evil waiting to engulf you, like dark soldiers marching across the plain, coming to tear u down to pieces. i'm awake now.

the speed of sound

2005-09-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Emotional addict you say? Well no one said that it is a bad thing. Funny how all these words of wisdom seem to pour out of your mouth, i feel sorry for the fact that:

1. you think your so bloody brilliant

2. you think you know it all

3. your a 16 year old acting like a 24 year old matured adult wannabe

4. welcome to joe culliver's world? uhh..no thanks. i'll take a pass on that one.

i'll just stick to my piercing frenzy, my alcoholism and my motorbike riding living on the edge life thank u very much.(well matter of fact, i'm quitting my addiction!) so hah! forget you..i'll miss hamish though.

Strangely it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. I love it.

caught in the landslide

2005-09-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

We rode again today, the rain raging against our skin, seepin through the jackets, with a sideward glance to the cars next to us, lookin at us in ridiculous grins, and me, in envy of their warm surroundings, Why can't you get a fuckin car.. Alexis? Then i brought him to a thank you dinner. We ate pizza, and he brought me to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. and now i have a tummy ache.

If you ask me what i love about you, Brandon, i can never answer that. The truth is, you were the only one who never lied to me about the way you felt. I've just been lied to so much by guys. All the I love yous with no meaning behind it. But you held the unsaid promise. And even if u didn't show it. U loved me the deepest, If we are meant to be together, we will be, soon, perhaps, maybe. :) i'm lookin forward to coming home to you on Nov 22 darling. muaks.

A dedication to everyone

2005-09-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you dear Alexis, for being there for me all this while. And to all my girlfriends, Reena, Shamin, Della, Aisha and Mich, i owe my happiness to you, for without you, i'm just a lifeless piece of shit. Love you girls. Muaks.

And to you my dear Brandon, baby i'll try to love again. and for me, i've got myself a psyco-stalker.

The Hills

2005-08-31T01:07:00.001-07:00

The one hour long ride on the "Down Under" bus paid off when we got to The Hills yesterday. Tuesday morning with a rush of excitement of not being in class. Who wanted to be in class on a tuesday morning? actually, who wanted to take a trek through the jungle on a day like yesterday. Sunny/Cold/Cloudy. The weather never fails to confuse the fuck out of me. And of all days my Mp3 player fails to work. on a two hour bus ride back and forth. Lucky thing we were singing our hiphop tunes til everyone got annoyed.

When we got to the Hills, it was beautiful. It was not AS beautiful as i expected it would be, but there's something about The Hills, its serenity, its innocence, its lack of life-forms and animals. it was almost plastic. but it was nice. What was nice was it got me thinking, it was a place that i could ease my mind. A day in school and a day far far, many kilometres away from Joe..where the memories lie in a distant, where i dont' have to face him. Yes this was the perfect escape. Until the normal days when i have to see him or feel him near. The feeling that i'm sinking.

We learned to make fire, but after rubbing the sticks, my hands started hurting. making fire aint my task...now where's that darn lighter? We spent 4 hours away from civilisation( of course there was a KFC near by, but further down) learning about the native indegenous Australians = the Aboriginals. it was great to feel so in touch with nature, away from all the whizzes of modern day living and demands, demands, demands. Me and reena would really like to camp there sometime. She agrees that the serenity was absolute. She raised up her hands everytime the guide said there were berries and nuts we could try. and sadly, she was the only one! then she'd pass me her half chewed berrie and i'd eat it and swallow the seed accidentally. Well that's jess for u. =P After we trip and fell and roll down the hill a couple of times, we threw spears, wishfully, never hit the target, but we slept in the bus like we hadn't slept for in years......

3 witches! ngahaha

and you hiphop and u don't stop yo

della the ikan

shamin the baboon wid her middle finger

me and reena the anjink

The Hills

2005-08-31T01:07:00.000-07:00

i knew

2005-08-23T00:06:00.000-07:00

no i'll never let u see how much u've destroyed me. now i'm turning to the darkness, because there is no light, there is no hope...then the tears will stop, i'll stand up, back on feet again and live for me. life is pointless without love. and like yourself, only stupid people give up on love. i could scream at you, i could give u a slap that probably might wake u up, but i didn't ask u back..i didn't beg like i normally would, i knew that this would happen from the start. they tried to tell me, but i didn't listen.

burning u down

2005-08-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

"Dear Jess" the letter starts,

"i hope you are reading this letter with the knowledge that I Love You so much! you are my worth in the cold, you are my light in the dark: but mostly, you are the piece missing from my heart everytime that we are apart. I close my eyes and swear I can stll taste you on my lips as i take a breath in and realise, i breathe each day for u and our perfect and sweet love"
signed Joe, 5 months ago. its amazing how things can end. like someone who's lost their memory, awoken from a long coma. not realising the woman sitting holding his hand is his sweetheart. sometimes they wud be better off dead.

april 9th
"well i consider myself the luckiest man on this earth to have you; i never believe that there is such a thing as "perfect love" well that was until i met you... i'm worried of losing you, because i will never be able to handle that jess, i am so serious i will never be able to function at all, you've already had so much impact on my life that i don't think i could live without you,"- joe

I fold all of these, and put them aside, with the photographs, i kiss them one last time, whispering goodbye. i wanna come home...

scared shit

2005-08-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

this is the feeling. the feeling you get when you have loved someone so much n they have fucked everything up for you. and left. and you feel enough is enough, u can't love anymore.

90% of the men i meet are afraid to love. are afraid OF love. What about me? Aren't i afraid as well? i don't know. But soon thoughts on luv will die out. i will very soon be convince that there is NO SUCH THING. i'm 70% there. but right now i'm enjoying singlehood for the first time in 3 years... and i'm feeling good about myself.

you should let me love you

2005-08-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

Day 3

i'm starting an accounted journal of my life being single. The first thing i can say is that it sucks. Because i want to call him so badly, and i know i have to hold myself back, and play this stupid game. I keep asking myself. What have i fucking done to deserve this. To fall in love so deep, and in turn, discarded, broken, bashed...i can list a million and one words to describe the way i feel right now. but words are not enough.. all i know is this:

This is the last time. enough is enough. if i can't find someone to appreciate my love. then so be it. i'm done..

Everywhere i go i see couples walking, hand in hand, kissing, hugging, it turns my stomach, but yet i feel happy for them. After all, no one deserves to be alone.

big mistake

2005-08-18T05:33:00.001-07:00

what made you stop?

i can't contain these sleepless nights. with the knowledge that you are where u are..and i am where i am, with the knowledge that you are who you are, and you will never EVER change..even if u thought i was worth it. well just too fuckin bad for you..i feel sorry for me.

a 1 hour long talk in the mirror...

oh no wait....just too bad for you..because u'll just live the rest of your life...wondering how it could have been. if u had changed for me. and just because we fight about stupid things. can u help it? yes. i'm sorry we can never be friends. i don't want to be your friend. well if this is how u want to play your cards..goodbye and goodnight.

love dies

2005-08-18T01:39:00.000-07:00

If you listen close enough, you could hear my heart break. yes it is screaming our for you.

have u ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? i have. but now its endless suffering because i can never get to hold you, to kiss you, or tell u i love you. again.

I never believed in the break up policy for one simple reason. when i love, i mean it. and i've never loved anyone like this. Nor have i felt this way, like i was dead inside. but i still can feel the pain, the longing to hold u in my arms again. i'd rather fuckin make believe that you weren't alive anymore, put ur picture up on a shelf and have endless conversations with it. i'm pathetic, i know. and i don't want to be friends, we can never be friends. our love was never meant for that. it was meant for us to be together, in love..goodbye my love. God knows i love you.. and i was ever faithful and loyal during the last 6 months to you. i'll never love again.

goodbye..

2005-08-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

i woke up from a 6 th month long dream...i was in the sweetest most romantic dream.
when i woke up, he was gone... it always happens when i fall deeply in love. and as much as i hate to admit...all these buckets of tears won't bring him back. because he just refuses to understand. love. i believe in that word. i don't believe in forever. forever died today..for the last time.

goodbye my love.. see you in my dreams. tomorro i'll never love again..

yes i don't know love

2005-08-12T04:02:00.000-07:00

What do you actually feel when u fall in love?

Is it looking into that person's eyes and seeing forever? Is it the feeling of when that person's near you, you feel that its so right, its undescribable... its a wonderful feeling of pure joy, passion and love.

i thought so..Maybe i don't know what love is. I don't know how to love. i didn't know it was so easy. So effortless...

or is he just shallow hall.

looking at old polaroids

2005-08-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

i managed somehow to log into my diaryland and read my old entries, some dating back even to november 2004. I used to be happy. every single inch of me. maybe a bit of longing for something romantic and passionate to come my way. And it has, love found its way to my heart in another form. But unlike the last, this one came with romance and passion, all my dreams came true. But it lacks 3 things: fun, happiness and understanding. I thought i understood joe. or was finally beginning to. seems to me, that maybe we are so alike. we can't understand each other. all i know is that i tried and failed miserably. and i when i do speak my heart, i just confront a blunt, unreactive person. What happened to love? what happened to the love that seemed so alive? My mistake was when i let tears burn my eyes when i missed him so much. after not seeing him for ages. days felt like ages. days feel like ages when there is lack of communication, when there is just so much to do. when there is no time. all u can feel is that emptiness when the one u love is not around.. Maybe my bigger mistake was falling deeper in love. the word "deep" brings in so much emotion into a relationship. to give it depth, is to give it greater meaning....its like a tattoo across the heart. and yes it hurts, because to love someone deeply, there should be patience. there should be understanding. But what i realise, is that everytime i get to that point, where i really feel like...god..i love him. i can feel it, in the air i breathe, in my every footstep, everytime i look at him, or something that belong to him. its an obsession. but i'm not an obsessive. yes i'm in control, but i let love take over me sometimes. that's what love is right? love is infinite. love is overpowering...love is an uncontrollable feeling. But not just a feeling, love is an action, it is a motion, it is a process. u fall in love, u establish that love and understanding, and then u make it strong, even so that a hurricane can't blow it away, or a tidal wave knock it down, or an atomic bomb cause that love to vapourise.

in the quicksand

2005-08-05T02:34:00.000-07:00

What do you do where there's no one to dry
your teary eyed, helpless nights.
You burn with desire, when there's no one to tell
of the excitement your heart feels,
and you felt yourself drop
sunken lower and lower into your chair,
and soon your knee deep into the quicksand
the quicksand was once land
that separated us
it was the crystal clear water that
killed us
and now i'm watching him from a distance..
do you still love me like u say u do?

what's happening to me?

2005-07-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

Today i walked around like a soul of a dead person, lost, with a heaviness, the facade was on, but i didn't even bother trying to hide it. what was the fucking use? And then i find myself staring into space...endlessly....
i stumbled upon a blog, and it read :

love is never black and white, its always grey. i couldn't agree more. i thought love was supposed to be a rainbow. I've seen two rainbows once. it was one of the more spectacular moments of my life. i'm hating perth more than i should. cos its just a piece of crap. its a waste of space. i remember 2 years ago i thought it was beautiful. but that was then. now is now. And at 9 am, the streets are so fucking barren. The night is alive. bullshit. There is no night. there is only darkness. there is only desolation. and the fuckin winter cold is making my heart numb as ice. I miss the summer wind. I ran all the way back home on wet roads to get back to the sanctuary of my room..

2005-07-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

go on ahead and let it fade away
no looking back u know the past will stay
its u and me, we could get out of here
jump in and go, and we could drive from here
so we could feel alive~ mae

Sometimes i think we just enjoy being hurt. We enjoy the pain, it just reminds us that we are alive, that we can feel. The trick is feel the same about happiness. I know so many people who wear smiles on their faces, but its just a mask which hides a bleeding heart. I used to think happiness was shortlived. That my default mode was sadness. and as time went by it just got worse. to a point where each day was a torment. then fuck it. it was time to pick up the pieces..i couldn't stay like this forever. So i began my therapy. It was hard initially. But i could feel my life meter going up. and each time felt better than the last. Today i feel like a new person.

slip

2005-07-07T03:02:00.000-07:00

i can feel us sway to the rhythem..now we'd made my room ours.

the past few days have been the worst. sometimes it got so tight in the chest that i felt i was seeing white. holding on to my baby who was there for me, staying up all night with me cos i couldn't sleep. these few days we've been staying together felt so perfect, apart from the difficulty in breathing. well its about time i gave up smoking..i have to live for someone. and that person is joe. sometimes it takes a miracle, or an occurance, like seeing our lives flash quickly before our eyes, to make us want to change something for the better. humans can be that stubborn. and sucide isn't an option. if u feel for one second that ur life is being taken away from you, think about the things you would want to change and do it, because there may or may not be a next time. don't let chances slip through your fingers and waste away.

right now darling is at the farm making a veggie patch. i wanna make a veggie patch too. with tomatoes and potatoes. and lots of green stuff. never thought i'd be sayin this. but the trip away from materialism to the country life changed me.

if only

2005-06-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

if i had a chance to turn back the hands of time, i'd undo 80% of the things i did. But its wishful thinking. Instead, i've gotten another chance at life, i've been reborn. please jess. don't phuck it up this time. i know.

i've taken the second step into derangement. the first was breaking down. the second is talking to myself. i need somewhere to hang my hand. and something to hold it up high. on the brink of happiness and on the verge of tears. when i'm cracking up, i tell myself that i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine...and i'll be alright.
tuck myself into bed. turn off the lights. close my eyes. and breathe. 1, 2. tomorrow is another day. another predicament. it never comes without its complications.

don't look down now

2005-06-20T01:41:00.000-07:00

Somehow today could have been a better day.

I know people change. But sometimes i feel u don't bring out the best of you. You hide behind your moodiness. Wish i could see you smile again.

As for me... i've burnt a big hole in my pocket.

exile

2005-06-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today we studied about refugees. All about exile, exodus, flight, the great escapes.. the bengali exodus, fleeing srebrenica, repatriation to cambodia, and we think we have it bad. Displacement. displacement is the word.

confessions

2005-06-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

maybe i read something that i shouldn't have.
something that threw me into utter confusion.
something i thought i had dealt with.
feelings resurface.
all those swept under the rug
all those to the ones that i onced loved.

to my girl

2005-06-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Michie!! Hugz! i'm sorry i can't be there for u this day, but i'm always there wid u in spirit. I miss you so much and think of you loads. Happy Birthday Sis. Love you alwiz...

damn. i tried calling mich but i can't get through...i wonder what she's up to today.

where is your heart

2005-06-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

i thought i could take that warm bath i deserved. but after what you told me, i pulled the plug out and watched as my feelings sucked under like the boiling water that was supposed to warm me up. i felt every inch of me drain, unable to stand. like i've hadn't had enough to worry about. like i've hadn't have enough of sleepless nights wrapped up in my own sweat and waking up in some form of shock. i tried to keep a positive thought all this while. still am. ever hating the fact that u don't know ur insensitive. hating the fact u don't know it drives me mad. hating the fact that u act like it didn't affect me. man i feel like i'm gonna explode.

its time for the arsonist to do her job

2005-06-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

good news is i passed maths for the first time in my life. i will reward myself with one can of bourban coke. just 1.

i think i'm supposed to be at school right now, but after what ridiculous demands they made of us yesterday, i think there's someplace else i'd rather be. like...home sweet home. except for that patch of stinking carpet near the tv where i found that dead mouse. the mouse that had been crapping everywhere around the house and nibbling on my chocolate box my darling gave me. i swept it up and threw it out onto a bush. i hope it gets caught somewhere and dangles while it rots to nothingness. nothing that nibbles on my chocolate box gets spared. i managed to clean up the kitchen and now it feels like mine..i can't wait for reena to move in. we get along so well. we do crazy shit together, like try making our own backyard drugs out of tobacco and plants. and we made this drug called C for Canadian because we smoke it out of this leaf that looks like the leaf on the canadian flag. and reena got high and started hallucinating about dancing chihuahua's. while i prefer not to inflict anymore grevious damage on my precious lungs. i still need to sing myself to sleep, not croak along with the toad symphony. bahaha. so anyway..my stupid college said:

"Murdoch college has many fine standards(indeed) one of which is wearing the correct uniform. when students choose to attend our college, it is expected that in doing so, they have accepted the college dress expectations. students who enter a classroom in obvious neglect of the policy will be forwarded to a specific area of the college administration which can result in action being taken that may include:

1. withdrawal from that class for the period and then attending classes for the rest of the day or

2. parent/guardians being contatcted to pick-up their student to return home to address the concern (yay!! you get sent home)

so you see. singapore's not that much of a fucked up place. because right now i'd be going to school four days a week, wearing my own funky clothes, dying my hair til it drops, and doing whatever the fuck i want. but no. and the only good outcome of this fucked up school is that i met joe. and oh yeah.. i set a trend. everyone's turning pedophile. woohoo...see..young guys have the drive.. :P

leaving me unattended

2005-06-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't i paint you

this house feels so empty. the emptiness deprives me from walking around, it brings fear, it brings a cold gush of air, i can't sleep at night, and if i do, i dream about things i dread (or want so much). seeing into the future brings me closer to something, only to know that that particular thing isn't there yet(or is it?) it seemed so real, i could feel. to feel the protectivness over this wonderful being, the love, the bond. to feel amazing things when i close my eyes and drift off, even when i'm in my subconscious state, what beauty. i woke up in a shock, my heart stopped at realization. a realization that i was back into existence, that in this reality, i couldn't keep, i would have to stop it from happening, and if i am what i think i am, i can never see her beautiful face, her beautiful smile, hear her laugh, hear her call me something i've always wished for.
(ps. this has nothing to do with the picture above. that was taken at a party i went to on friday night)

the stress is over..i think?

2005-06-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

a big big thank u to joe, for without u, life would be a meaningless pit of shit and sorrow, and thank u for helping me out so much. i give u credit for being the most loving and wonderful fiance!

sigh..i wish..

so the exams are over, hurrah! finally its time to shop. but i have bills to pay, sometimes i wish he were a rich man. then he could give me his credit card, and his car, and and. ok.. i can dream on~ hehe.

i really am looking forward to spending time with joe, and lookin forward to dates(if he'd ask me!) and watching star wars episode III !!~ i love star wars...mmmhmm. and to all u ppl out there who don't like star wars!! HMPH! POOI!!! i'm on holiday til monday.... yeahhhhH!! and i miss him... sniff...

love everlasting

2005-05-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

i would like to start with a proclamation of love for my darling. I LOV YOU!!!!!!

the critical period

2005-05-26T03:40:00.000-07:00

So the maths exam was..catastrophic. i left 3 pages blank. that was a good 24 marks gone. if only i had more time. but i have to keep telling myself that today was the first exam i sat for in years...and years...and u know how long its been.

You know everytime i say that i've quit smoking? Well actually i've been fooling no other than myself. You see its just so hard to not put that stick of tobacco to my lips. i'm more addicted to the process of smoking than to the nicotine itself. You see the nicotine smells, i just wash it off vigorously after ever session. but the inhaling, exhaling, is like the only time i breathe. i love to watch the clouds of smoke, i love to choke. maybe i'm a sick piece of shit. maybe. maybe not.

i'm thinking of moving to Melbourne next year. Why? Because Perth is a sick place. for sick people. if i think singapore is stagnation. this is hell worse. singapore is just too rapidly paced. and perth is just too slow. i need to find the median. somewhere in the middle of rapid and slow....which will fit me just fine..

damn i miss everyone in sg.

Cute without the E

2005-05-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Why do we have these miscommunications? the bad reception is not just in my bedroom.

i wish u didn't get so pissed off at the finest things, i wish i didn't take your words seriously. Then maybe i wouldn't be feeling like this.. cute without the e. why can't we just be happy..

5 days more to my first paper. am i prepared? no. hell no.

the night comes alive

2005-05-18T01:57:00.001-07:00

Something about what she said rang in my head. Something about how the night brings her alive, because in the day it is bright and she felt concious about herself, and when it was dark, she could let it all go. We walked on the bridge, the wind was chilly. The bridge that overlooked the freeway and the park n ride, the lights, coupled with a few traffic ones, red, green, amber, yeah. "and the lights...i love the lights" she said. i agree. the school looked desolate at night, it was a big haunting building, not like how it looked like in the day, so small, so helpless. i reckon it was our conversations about spirits as we walked down the pathway under the trees, made my hair stand. i tried to search for my love, but the darkness didn't help. the shadows in the corridors played with my tired eyes. but we found each other eventually, somehow, we always do. he let me hold booklets about the army. and i could silently wish they burned in my hands, i felt the weight, no, not again. not here. please.

negative

2005-05-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

Where have i been for the past few weeks? anywhere but here, most definitely. I have been all over the place. Exams are in 2 weeks. no more, no less. i'm a mess ball. yes a ball of mess. its time. sigh. i hate this. no exams for 3 years i've been out of school. and now. the big E. eeee. fuck. fuckin shit.

The Everglow's lost

2005-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry we lost the everglow. so suddenly, we stand on the edge.. somewhere we never thought we'd stand. i'm sorry if i ever expected you to be something you weren't.

last night was great. Metro City is the best place i've been too. we danced our hearts out, we sang our hearts out. Thank you shamin and della. and all the other random people i danced wid. thanks for the wonderful time!!

yesterday i spent time with shamin walking around Perth City. n for the first time, we went shopping and didn't buy anything..we played pool, we ate gelato, we visited the arcade, and it was hell fun... i swear..i could say yesterday was the best time i had in perth so far.

what's wrong with me? i'm sorry darling.. but i'll get over this..soon...i reallie wanna love you again.

gorecki

2005-05-04T03:56:00.000-07:00

i love this track by Lamb - "gorecki"

how have i been? alive? pretty much up and down on this emotional roller coaster ride. but at least roller coasters have an end and a start. i think my front teeth are going to fall out. soon. they are starting to itch. my gums. i mean. tooth itch? absurd.

i've managed to split up my time. that's a good thing. i don't wanna be neglecting my friends. i can't. i know i have and i'm sorry. darn.

today was bizzare. just. bizzare. i got on the bus this morning and i was shocked at:

1. the bus driver was a young black dude wearing a cap side ways
2. he yelled to me "Yo WaSsuP Homey! get on da bus!"
then he turned to some asian guy on the bus after i took to my seat, and went "Yo,,,you okay man? ya cool!" and he turned on the radio and started head banging...u know the hiphop way..to some really funny oriental song. omg. i was laughing in my seat. well you can laugh anywhere in auss and no one cares. that's the good thing.

i've become a freak. no chocolate or vanilla coke. or any other fattening food for the matter. pilates. P.I.L.A.T.E.S. i like. it works!! try it...

exams are in 4 weeks. this school is trying to kill me. i have 2 tests tomorrow and friday. this is stress. its worse than the O Levels. gosh..

yes i'm tired.

2005-05-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

why do your words cut so deep, and yet you apologise, with the knowledge that you never are going to change, you are turning into something they warned me about. i thought you were nice. but its becoming more apparent that your not what you seem. you are turning into a fusion of what i'd want to love, and what i'd love to hate, except for the fact that i can't hate you, but just so you'd know, you are killing this beautiful moment. if it dies, i had nothing to do with it. nor am i going to try salvage whatever you've left in your wake of destruction. i shouldn't have let my guard down on you. i shouldn't have let you in. i shouldn't let you get to me.

in the soft light

2005-04-29T05:22:00.001-07:00

it isn't the pale moon that excites me..its just the nearness of you..

for the first time in my entire life this week i am satisfied with my work. hurrah. its time for a celebration. oh wait. exams are in 5 weeks. hurrah. its time to go absolutely bonkers. right now everything else goes on hold. i.need.focus.

spent time wid shamin today. we watched Ametyville. i hate hate hate horror movies. argh. i can't sleep tonight. i want my baby but i can't have him in my arms anymore. :(

back again

2005-04-20T10:38:00.001-07:00

The only one for me can only be you.
I had the best plane ride of my life. The take off was beautiful. i guess its because this is the first time i've taken a day flight. where i can see everything so clearly and not just darkness beyond the window panes. we soared higher and higher and soon we are above the clouds, they were so white and pure and seemed to stretch for acres. i felt like i could reach out to the sun.
and it really is amazing because the wings of flight VF102 were so brittle. paper thin. they looked like they could just break away anytime. i reached my cold hands into my jacket pocket and felt my newly blessed rosary. its the first i ever got. please God let me go home to my baby.

Travelling alone is routined. the fear has subsided. i'm adjusting well to independence.

We held each other for so long. I don't think anyone has held me for that long before. it was the time apart. it did us good. i felt butterflies in my stomach everytime he came close. he took my hand and looked at the ring on my finger. someday..i'll be his forever. and that day is drawing closer each day..

love actually

2005-04-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

He said that the world today wasn't interested in true love..

I love you, you are my princess and my sun, you bring me your warm and sweetness, live without you will forever be dark and meaningless. We were strangers on a crazy adventure, never dreaming of how our dreams would come true, now here we stand on the cradle of our future, here we are standing together at the beginning, here with you my life starts.
you say the most beautiful things..

tomorrow i'm back on that darn plane. i wish i had longer time here. i'll miss everyone..dearly.

dreams to make believe

2005-04-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

i finally know what i want to do in uni.
i. will. be. a.....psychologist.

for the reason being i love the human mind. the mind..is the most remarkable of all creation..don't you agree? and to probe into deeper understanding of this remarkable remarkable thing is just....remarkable no? its psychotic.
here i am on the verge of going nuts and i want to help nutters. that's great. then we can all go insane in the membrane together.

focus... focus... focus...i think my wandering mind needs a straight jacket. hmm...what about electro-shock treatment? what about...hannibal? okay i know i dissected a brain before. damn. sheep brains are small.

so far i've dissected a:

1. sheep's brain

2. pig's eyeball (you don't know how hard it is to cut through an eyeball. i could throw it around the road and run it over with a 10 tonne truck and still. it won't lose its shape. that's how thick your schlera is. ok i'm exaggerating. but it is tough. so its time to take out your penknives and let the poking fun begin!! oh don't poke ur cornea though. u'll go blind. i'm serious)

the contrasting affair

2005-04-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

there is something about the air here. apart from the sad fact that it is increasingly polluted, it is so hostile. i am sick to the bone because it is dusty. and maybe the people here are so hostile because they are breathing in the sick sick air and leading sick lives.

sick meaning the lack of natural living, the lack of natural environment. when everything around you is fake...you tend to morph into it to blend in with the atmosphere. i keep shaking my head. this doesn't feel like my home anymore. i can't wait to get back to my rural living. i am starting to dislike the urban life.

tremors are fun when buildings don't collapse. what a waste i wasn't here to feel it. it would have been yet another extraodinary experience. i remember the last time i felt tremors. i was lying down on my water bed and then i heard splasing noises and realised the ground was shaking. i looked to my bedside table and saw the water in a glass move like how it did in that jurassic park movie. execpt for this time it was no t-rex. i don't know what it was.

signals over the air

2005-04-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

It was all in my head, two weeks ago when u said u were going to myalup. you, on a bike, and an accident that u could have prevented. but now its too late to say "i told you so". the scars will be there and the scars would prove that i was right. listen to me, sweetheart. not only with your heart but with your mind.

One day of no communication. no phone calls. no messages. i dont have to call you to know something bad happened. we didn't have to talk. i could sense u.. because i felt ur pain wherever u were..

"please take care of yourself. i can't afford to worry about you. i'm so far away, there is nothing i can do. i can't be there to take care of you. your worrying me to tears"

"i just want you to love me when you get back..."

love you when i get back?

back to the city life

2005-04-11T19:48:00.002-07:00

the plane was so small. claustrophobic. for 5 hours i found it almost impossible to breathe. i nearly threw up in my seat. my head spun. and all i could think of was someone.when i got back into my room it felt unfamiliar. i should have painted it white. the red now seems so drawing. it looks depressing. i feel sorry for the walls. so it is true that colours affect the mood. it got too bringht to sleep. i threw my clothes on, got on a cab and went to bernard's house. someone wore bernard's yellow underwear and started dancing, with my cowboy hat on. it made my day. i can't remember the last time i laughed so hard.. oh yes..now i do. it was the time nick sat next to me in human biology. and we were singing blink 182 songs. and i don't know what i laughed so hard about. but i cried. and that was the last time. about a month ago. i miss nick. :)
finally, i got to meet mich. i missed her so much. i miss talking. i miss our crappy convos. i miss the drinking and the clubbing and the smoking sheesha.

i thought i knew you, i thought i knew almost everything, except the things u hid from me, there was something about you that you never explained. and now it is all emerging from your soul. the darkness that i never thought u had in you. something that never enabled you to love me.

summer days have passed

2005-04-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

summer has come and past, the innocent can never last, wake me up when september has...

there are times like these..like these moments right NOW. now. that i feel.. i feel..like what the fuck am i doing huh? what the FUCK am i doing? what has gotten into me... what spurred me to do the silly things i did..things i did without giving much thought to..without even considering. what happened to reason? what happened to rational? what happened to the jess that could even think? more importantly, what happened to me?

me is a word i don't know of anymore.
i failed bio...i failed math...i failed history. and most importantly, i killed myself. and whatever you've witnessed down here, right here in this journal, is just a bubble of love and happiness, that i just pricked, and now..now reality is sinking into me. the phase is receding...time is passing... i'm wasting my time. well i deserve that right? i'm sorry.

chocolate seashells

2005-04-02T05:47:00.000-08:00

i must be sleeping like a bat. upside down. because my face is getting fat. ONLY. my face. i am sandy squirrel...and surprisingly, it doesn't rain today. just when i'm all geared up for some bad weather..nothing happens. 7 more days. i can taste the sheesha coming..

it gets freaky when someone u love starts reading ur mind, reading ur heart. saying what your thinking, answering questions u haven't even asked..and then u begin to think, where does this all go from here? after you get this connection so strong, what next? love is definitely the sweetest thing. it can make u fly. or it could make u fall.

love is like taking a swing, not knowing what's next.. i took mine. now its your turn to take yours. :)

Dreams to make believe.

2005-03-27T06:22:00.001-08:00

Thank you is not enough for what you have given me. I’d like to think you are god sent. You, joe. Are the most amazing person. And I thank the Lord everyday I have u with me.

We went sailing today to garden island. My first sailing experience. You know I am afraid of the water…but today the water is just perfect. And so is the sky. I step onboard and I feel overwhelmed. U are here with me.. and I gaze at u with the sea breeze in your hair, and I look at the reflections, I am looking at what you are looking at. I don’t see anything special about me.

You kiss me before jumping into the water before the boat reaches the shore.. I wish I could go with you, to just rip your shirt off and be free.. swimming to shore with nothing to stop you.
Then you disappear, I wait by the waves, searching the masses of sailboats for your familiar form.Then we walk endlessly up sand covered hills, it gets tiring, but the view is breathtaking. And we let the ocean draw us into it… into a sea of delights..somehow doesn’t feel real..you act out the scenes in my head. i don't know how you do it. it is amazing. you. are. amazing.
I love you so much..

And in the morning you brought me breakfast in bed.... :)

its hard to breathe when you have someone this gorgeous looking at you all the time.

looking forward to the easter holidays

2005-03-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

i have a long weekend ahead of me, the excitement is indescribable. i can feel it building up, refusing to let it overwhelm me. i still need to study. my baby is taking me somewhere. i don't know where it is, i've never heard of such a place, but we'll have a great time like we always do. i love him so much.

Rejuvination potion

2005-03-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

Today, stragely, i feel brand new. Like my sleep restored everything i lacked...i got my focus back.. i regained my senses. i feel special, floating. in control of my thoughts. i feel...soft..pretty much like a cloud.

In Warcraft there are hidden treaures in wooden chests. Some are phials of different kinds of potions. If your hero is dying or needs to be restored to full health, you use those phials. I found my potion of rejuvination and vitality. i am restored. and enough of restoration. i guess once the excitement of love has simmered down, things can fall into place. but thank u cupid for shooting us down.

or maybe the cause of this was the early morning call from my sweetheart..

being your walls

2005-03-22T06:59:00.000-08:00

"We made dinner, we walked the dog, down the park, u lay your head on my shoulders, as i looked up at the sky.
we keep this beautiful silence ours.. this is just what it could be like.
be mine for the rest of my life."

I sat in the garage today..its bareness and emptiness just fits the mood. with leaves on the ground, and the bar stools, i discovered this place with you.

and i don't know why when i start writing my thoughts down, they are always directed at you, as if i am speaking to you..my love, and not to the masses. you have that effect over me. now i miss you so bad.

It is time to begin my therapy of self reconstruction. Conversations with the moon have been my solace in the last couple of days. I pushed my limits. I have now realised how reliant on the church i have become, to feel the presence of the most important figure of existance. i'm counting the days down, till i take that flight back alone. somehow that doesn't seem to scare me anymore. i am all full of thoughts of coming home. i'm coming home... back into your arms. to tell you i've missed you and that our love is indestructable. bullet proof. i miss the people who are reading this. you know who you are. *smiles*